


Scar

by ShadowGryffin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 01:12:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15697119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowGryffin/pseuds/ShadowGryffin
Summary: Matt and Keith had become really close. Yes, they were dating, but they'd only been dating a few months before they were both sent on separate missions. They had gotten so accustomed to each other's constant presence, that when they were apart for an extended period of time, it took its toll; and the toll was especially hard on Matt.





	Scar

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story I've ever shared. *yay*  
> THIS STORY HAS SELF HARM IN IT  
> Told in first person, from Matt's point of view  
> Based off of a real conversation, though no self harm in real life.

“Keith,” I say, my voice shaking noticeably, “I’m sorry. I did something stupid.”

I wait for him to reply, staring at the cellphone laying on the floor next to me, my hands too shaky to hold it. I think I hear his breath catch, or maybe I’m just imagining it. He doesn’t reply at first, the silent seconds each feeling like an eternity.

“Keith.” I say, my voice cracking this time. “Keith, I’m sorry. I said I wouldn’t do anything stupid, but I couldn’t stop myself, and”.

But Keith cuts me off, his own voice shaky but tense.

“Matt, are you ok? How bad it is?”

_Depends on your definition of bad_ , I think, but I don’t say that; its not a good time for that. So instead I tell him, “I’ll be ok, it’s not that bad. I just… I’m sorry Keith.”

“Matt,” he says, “Tell me what happened. Tell me what you did, why you did it, everything.”

I sit up straighter against the wall, still trying to calm my breathing. I knew he would ask this, but I still had hoped he wouldn’t. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to think of how to word everything.

“Today’s been shit. Today’s been my own private circle of Hell.” My voice cracks again, and I can feel the tears coming. I don’t try and stop them. “It started even before I woke up. I don’t remember what my dream was, but it made me angry in the dream and so I woke up angry. Then my demons decided to have a field day, so I started the day angry, feeling like shit and hating myself.” Now my voice fully breaks, but I don’t care. “It took me 3 hours to get out of bed, and almost another hour just to get dressed. I had zero energy but I forced myself to work out to try and get my demons to shut up and to make myself feel better. It didn’t work. That was 2 hours ago. I got myself to shower, but that didn’t help either. The day’s just been getting worse, so I lost it. I snapped, and I grabbed my pocket knife.”

“Matt…” Keith says softly, though I can still hear the fear in his voice.

“I didn’t cut myself. Well, not to the point of bleeding. My hands were shaking too bad, I couldn’t put enough force to break the skin that far. I basically just scratched myself with the blade, 100 times. It didn’t do enough to calm me or snap me back into my senses, so I grabbed my lighter and I heated the back of the blade and pressed it to my skin. It hurt, but it did snap me out. It’s not a bad burn, but it’s an angry red and I’m gonna have a mark, if not a scar.”

“Shit, Matt.” Keith mutters. “What are you doing now? I need you to try and take care of yourself.”

“I’m, well, sitting on the floor in my room,” I tell him, still trying to calm down. “I put my knife and lighter in a box in my closet, and stacked other boxes on top so I can’t get to them easily.”

“Good, thank you.” Keith says, and I hear relief in his voice now. “What about your scars, have you done anything for them?”

“Yeah, I washed both of them with soap and water, and I put burn cream on the burn and covered it with gauze, and put some antibiotic stuff on the scratches.”

“Well that’s good at least.” He says. “Have you been eating and drinking enough?”

“I haven’t eaten yet today. I’ve really only been having one meal a day for about a week now. Drinking water, yes, but not enough.” My hands finally stop shaking, so I pick my phone up and turn off the speaker.

“Matt, I know eating and drinking is hard to do when you’re feeling like this, but I need you to take better care of yourself, for me. Please, try and eat two meals a day and drink enough water to be hydrated. Can you do that, for me?” Hearing the concern in his voice, how he’s pleading, it just about breaks my heart.

“I…” I start, but my voice catches again, tears once again start running down my cheeks. “I promise I will try.”

“Thank you.” he tells me, and I can hear the release of tension in his voice.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry I put you through this. It’s a lot to put on a person.” I tell him, the gravity of what I’m putting him through starting to sink in.

“Don’t be sorry,” he says “I’ve put you through more.”

I’m suddenly hit by how tired I am. The events of the day finally catching up with me.

“Is it too early to say goodnight without making you worry about me more than I’ve done already?”

“I don’t know…” Keith says, voice regaining an edge of tension. “I don’t think I’ve stopped worrying about you since you first started feeling like this, since we were sent on our separate missions.”

“Sorry.” I tell him again.

“There’s no need to apologize. Like I’ve said before, you’re worth worrying about.” Keith’s voice is soft now, gentle and caring.

“I’m still sorry. I don’t think anyone’s ever worried about me like this, and I don’t like the feeling of guilt that it comes with. But…” I let out a sigh. “I don’t believe I’m worth all the worry,”

“I understand the feeling of guilt, but please try not to feel guilty. I've had to help so many other people through difficult stuff and I've always gotten super frustrated with it. But there is no frustration when it comes to you, because I genuinely want to help. I worry because I want to, because I can't go a damn second without thinking about you. And not worrying about you would mean not even thinking about you.” He pauses, and I can practically feel the previously soft caring, hardening and stiffening. “I don't care what you believe, you are worth so much more than you think. And I'll spend every day for the rest of my life trying to prove that to you, that you really are this amazing and not whatever terrible thing you think of yourself.”

His words hit me like a rock, and my inner demons open my mouth to speak before I can stop them.

“I don’t deserve you.” I don’t regret what I’ve said, cuz right now I believe the demons; right now, they’re right.

“Don't say that.” Keith snaps. “Don't even think that. It's not true. I'm just a person. I'm not some magical being that has to be earned. Every good person is deserving of someone that loves and cares about them. And yes, you are a good person.”

Even though my mind believes the demons, my heart knows better. Keith’s words hit me like a slap to the face. I slide to the floor, curled up on my side, and try not to break down sobbing.

“Sorry.” I manage to get out.

“Matt, you seriously don't need to apologize.” He says, and the soft caring tone has returned to his voice “You can't control how you are feeling and you can't control how I react to it. It won't do anything productive anyways, it'll only make you feel worse. And besides, it's fine. I wanna help you in any way I possibly can. But you have to stop the loop of negative thinking or else nothing I do will have any effect.”

“I know.” I choke out between steadying breaths. “I understand. It would just be so much easier if my demons would shut up and go away.” Another wave of tired hits me, and I let out a yawn. “Keith, I don’t want to stop talking to you, but I’m really tired now. My demons talk less when I’m asleep and I’d be going to bed in an hour anyways…”

“It’s ok Matt, I understand.” He says as I climb onto my bed.

“Goodnight Keith.” I say, yawning again. “I love you.”

“Goodnight. I love you so much.” Keith says softly. “Please try your best to take care of yourself and _please, please, please,_ don’t do anything else stupid.”

“I promise I’ll try.” I tell him.

“Thank you. Goodnight” he says softly before we hang up.

_See what you’re doing?_ My demons chant. _You’re making him worry about you. He shouldn’t have to be worrying about you like this. You’re supposed to be strong, supposed to be his protector and yet here you are, small, weak, pathetic. You were right you don’t deserve him and he deserves more than you, better than you._

“Shut up” I tell my demons. Then I reach for my phone, hit play on a looped track of rain and thunder, and drift off to sleep.


End file.
